God's Help and God's Best For Your Marriage

Hello everyone and let me start this message by thanking those of you who have reached out to me about previous messages.  I’ve been thinking about it because five people reached out to me over the past week, and that really blessed me.  So thank you all for reading or listening to these messages, and I always love to hear your feedback.  If these messages have helped you in any way, please consider sharing them or forwarding them on to your friends and loved ones.

I really don’t consider myself an expert in any of the matters we discuss here (except maybe healing) but, when approaching a topic, one question I ask myself is whether I can help someone.  Of course, I always want to get my topics from God, but I really want the details I share to be practical and helpful to your daily lives.  Even if I’m not an expert on something, if I think I can be God’s instrument to help you, then I guess I should talk about it.

Today we are going to talk about marriage, and I definitely don’t think I’m an expert on this subject.  But I do think I have some stories, scriptures and points that can help you.  I also feel led by God to talk about this subject, so I’m going to trust Him for His blessing on this message as well.

Shannon and I have been married for 16 years and together for 20.  We met at the University of Florida when we were 18 years old, and we started dating when we were 21, during the fall of our Senior year.  While we were acquaintances for those first three years in college, we didn’t know each other very well, and that’s probably a good thing for me.  That senior year, which was the fall of 2002, really was kind of an ironic time for me to start dating the person God wanted me to marry.  On the one hand I was in a terrible place.  I drank and partied daily and I was at the absolute height of all the mental and emotional problems that I’ve talked about elsewhere. 

But, strangely enough, it was getting so bad for me that I was about to hit a breaking point.  It was getting so bad that I knew it was bad.  I knew I couldn’t continue living that way, and that God was my only hope.  So I started going to church by myself.  I went on Wednesday nights sometimes and Sunday nights other times.  Eventually I asked Shannon if she wanted to start going with me on Sunday mornings.  Shannon had gotten saved in high school at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting, and she didn’t have lots of the problems I did.  But she was away from the church as well and she also ran with the party crowd.  Well we started going to church together and our relationship progressed.

After that year I moved to Atlanta to start law school, and she stayed in Gainesville to get her masters.  She then moved to Atlanta and started working.  While living in Atlanta we attended Creflo Dollar’s church in College Park, Georgia.  Suffice it to say that was another planet compared to our activities back in Gainesville, Florida.  And that’s where we really got turned on to the Lord, and we’ve been serving God in various ways ever since.

So our lives have radically changed over our 20 year relationship.  While Shannon has always been a kind and loving person, I have really changed.  And I take no credit, everything I am, everything I have, truly the fact that I am still alive, is only attributable to God’s grace and love.

We have been through lots of hard times as well.  I know Shannon’s social media feed looks like we travel all the time and just have this wonderful existence, and in a way that’s true.  But we’ve also been through a lot of hard times, and that’s a big part of the reason we live the way we do.  So that’s kind of a brief history of our marriage.

Let’s remember that the idea of marriage is first introduced in Genesis 2:24, when Adam says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  We should also mention 1 Peter 3:7, where Peter says, “Likewise, you husbands, dwell with [your wives] according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”  In the context of marriage, I think those verses are both extremely important, and I would like to start our discussion there.

Consider for a moment the simple reality of the human situation.  As is God’s plan and desire, this world is filled with billions of men, and billions of women.  If you are like me, and I hope that you are, you find your spouse physically attractive.  I have a beautiful wife.  Hopefully she thinks that she has a handsome husband.  Am I the only man who is supposed to have a beautiful and desirable wife?  Is she the only woman who is supposed to have a handsome and desirable husband?  Of course not!  And look I’m not saying that I’m personally either of those things, I’m just making the point.  In fact, it was always God’s design for this world to be filled with attractive and desirable people.  We will come back to that point, but I think it’s worth noting early on.  And please here me correctly, I’m not just focusing on the physical aspects.

So in this world, that is by God’s design filled with attractive people, humans are called to choose one other person and join with them for life.  Let’s just go ahead and accept that that is the paradigm.  In this world filled with billions of people, God’s plan for your life is for you to choose one of them to mate with for life.

Look, I know that lots of animals have multiple partners.  I also understand that various men in the Bible had multiple wives.  But that was not God’s original plan or design for marriage.  God’s design for your life is for you to be with one person of the opposite sex in a committed relationship, and in that relationship God views you both as “one flesh” and “heirs together of the grace of life.” 

The marital relationship was created to be different from every other relationship.  Yes, the marital relationship is God’s plan for your sexual life and for the birthing of children, but it is much more than that.  Remember that God said in Genesis 2:18, “it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

God Himself said that it is not good for us to be alone.  Remember, Adam wasn’t completely alone, he still had God.  But Adam was alone as a human, and God thought that wasn’t good.  Humans need other humans.  A person needs a spouse, and we need the marital relationship.

To put it another way, God was saying that for Adam to have the best possible experience, even in the Garden of Eden, in Paradise, where he was in the direct presence of God, Adam still needed another human.   I don’t know about you, but I think that’s profound.  We need our spouses, and in the marital relationship we find a human connection that we won’t find anywhere else.

In truth, and sometimes this is hard to admit, I need Shannon.  Even if I lived in the Garden of Eden in a sinless state, walking with God, I would still need Shannon.  I need Shannon to rise to the heights of my potential.  I need Shannon to accomplish my good works on the earth.  I need Shannon for my life.  And please hear me clearly, she needs me too, and this is not just about me.  We are supposed to help each other.

We are supposed to be best friends, companions, lovers, prayer partners and partners in so many other types of partnership in this life.  Even if a person has a phenomenal relationship with God, that person still needs his or her spouse. 

And let me just say, I know that some people are called to be single, and therefore effectively to be married to God.  That’s wonderful, and if that’s your calling I think that’s great.  But we aren’t going to digress here and I believe that’s a very, very small number of people who are truly called to that lifestyle.

Please consider again that verse from Peter, you and your spouse are heirs together of the grace of life.  You know, I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds extremely important.  When you study out your inheritance from God, a lot of what you learn is fascinating and wonderful.  While on the one hand we are joint-heirs with Christ, and we inherit all that God has given Jesus, our spouses are also in that relationship.  We are one with our spouse, and together with are one with Christ. 

Let me put this another way, your relationship with your spouse is an extremely important component of your relationship with God.  Your life with your spouse is an extremely important component of your life overall.  If your relationship with your spouse is suffering or is not where it needs to be, then your life is going to suffer and your life is not going to be where it needs to be.  If your relationship with your spouse isn’t right, it’s highly likely that your relationship with God isn’t right.  And that’s tight but it’s right.

So you might say to me, “Byron, you don’t get it, my spouse is the worst.  I’m trapped in this relationship, I can’t imagine inheriting all God wants for me in this situation.  I know that God hates divorce, but I feel stuck.” 

OK, I understand, how many married couples do you think have faced hard times?  How many people do you think have questioned whether they made the right decision?  Probably everyone at some point or another.  If you are in a bad relationship (assuming there is no abuse, infidelity or other situation where God may really be telling you to leave) then you should go to God for help. 

Remember, in a way this is all God’s fault!  I don’t mean that to sound rude to God, and I’m kind of just joking around, but there is some truth there.  God designed the system of marriage and then God told us in Malachi 2:16 that He hates divorce.  God doesn’t want you to get divorced.  In fact, God wants to help you in your marriage.  You need to start praying for your spouse.  You need to start asking God for help.  Start asking God that by His Spirit He would bring you and your spouse closer together.   If you have a problem, you need to get God involved with your problem, and that includes marital problems. 

One time, probably 12 years ago, I was driving down Fletcher Avenue in Tampa.  Shannon and I were going through a really hard time.  Now I know that God told me to marry Shannon before we got married, in several clear words.  But I was still struggling.  So while I was driving I asked God if it was God’s will for me to have married Shannon.  He immediately and clearly answered me, and I will never forget what He said.  He responded, “What does that matter?”  “It’s my will for you to be married to her now.” 

Let me talk about that briefly because I think it’s a very powerful and helpful statement.  God wasn’t telling me that His guidance on who to marry isn’t important.  It’s extremely important.  That is some of the most important guidance you will ever get from God.  When you go to get married, you need to have a Word from God about your spouse.  But His point was that regardless of what may have happened in the past, His will was for us to stay married, that His blessing was on that marriage, and that He would help me in this marriage.

If you are asking God about your marriage, the most likely truth is that God wants you to stay married and come to Him for help with your marital problems. 

Millions of people have marital problems, but there are relatively very few marriages where God wants a divorce.  Maybe you did marry the wrong person.  But your spouse was only the wrong person until the moment you said, “I do.”  And in that instant, in the eyes of God, your spouse became the right person.  Maybe you will have struggles.  Maybe you will have to go through some stuff.  But really, all married couples do.  And the power and assistance of God is available for your marriage, just as it is for even the most perfect, match made in heaven type marriages.

Unless you are in extreme circumstances, God’s will is for you to stay and thrive in your marriage.  God is going to help you.  God wants to bless your marriage.  God wants your marriage to succeed.  God wants you to help each other do all your good works and rise to your highest potential.  God wants you to inherit the grace of life together.  And no matter how bad your situation seems, God will help you.

When I lived in Atlanta I visited a lot of churches.  Lots of big name preachers from around the world would visit local churches, and occasionally I would go to hear someone preach.  One time I heard that Doctor Fred Price was coming to a local church, so I went down to hear him.  Now it was actually a meeting of his ministry association, and this was quite a show I could go on and on about.  But let me stick to the marriage discussion today. 

For some reason a young pastor had been selected to teach, even over many older preachers.  He was also going to be teaching in front of Dr. Price, who was in the audience.  I think it’s safe to say this was a huge moment in his life, and I recognized that at the time. 

Now the subject of using your mouth and words correctly is not exactly fresh revelation to the Church.  Life and death are in the power of the tongue, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, and I could give you many other verses about the importance of your words.  This young pastor got up there and started preaching on this subject.  He said, and I’m paraphrasing, “Look, I know you have all heard this before, but this is extremely important, and if we can get this right, a lot of other stuff is going to get right too.” 

He then went on to talk about his marriage.  He said that he was struggling in his marriage, but he started to speak the word of God over his spouse, and things began to change.  I’ll never forget what he said, and this is a direct quote, “the woman just started looking better to me.”  He wasn’t suggesting that her appearance changed, but rather God was working on him and now he found his wife more attractive.  Moreover, his marriage was starting to thrive.

Ironically, Dr. Bill Winston, who is my primary man of God next to Andrew Wommack, has almost the exact same story.  Dr. Winston pastors a huge church in Chicago and truly has a worldwide outreach, but he was a young Christian when he married his wife (Dr. Veronica).  Dr. Winston says that six months into his marriage, he started disliking everything about her.  Through the ministry of Charles Capps, Dr. Winston got a hold of the teaching on the importance of our words.  He started praying and speaking Proverbs 31 over his wife and his marriage.  After a short amount of time, things radically changed, and they have had a wonderful marriage for many years. 

Let me talk about two other preachers briefly in case this helps you.  Jesse Duplantis and Jerry Savelle are two preachers that I don’t really follow, but they have both had a huge impact on the world for Jesus.  Interestingly enough, both their wives have the same testimony.  Brother Jesse and Brother Jerry married Godly women, but they were complete heathen.  Brother Jesse was a musician and Brother Jerry was into cars and racing.  At night their wives would place their hands on them while they slept and just pray in tongues for a long time.  Those women did that years before they knew each other and became friends, and I heard them tell those stories independently.  That tactic sure worked for them, so maybe consider doing that for your spouse.

Honestly, I’ve never had huge problems with Shannon where I disliked everything about her, but I have understood the importance of my words.  So I have some verses I speak over my marriage.  Part of my confession is Proverbs 5:18-19, “I rejoice with Shannon the wife of my youth, her breasts satisfy me always and I am always ravished with her love.”  I don’t mean that to sound crass.  I don’t know why that’s the verse I latched on to, it just is.  And I can honestly say that I think Shannon is the most beautiful woman in the world. 

As men, and I’m speaking to the men a little bit here, we have to understand that God’s plan was for the world to be filled with beautiful women.  That’s just the way it is.  Moreover, you are allowed to have sexual desire for only one of them.  And that’s just the way it is.  So the right thing to do is just accept God’s program, accept that this is the way it is, and you need to make the most of it. 

Asking God to help you to come to the place where your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to you is the right thing to do.  Sure, there are all sorts of pretty women out there with all sorts of different looks, but God can make it so that, to your eyes and your mind, your wife has the perfect combination of features that hits you just right.  My brothers, that’s what we’re going for.  We can truthfully acknowledge that God wants the world filled beautiful women, and we can also acknowledge that our spouse is the most beautiful woman in the world.  Maybe you don’t feel that way right now and maybe it won’t happen overnight.  But you start praying and getting your confession right, and these feelings will happen for you.

While you may love the way your spouse looks, and I hope you do, learning to love the other aspects of your spouse can really take your marriage to another level.  Frankly, my wife is a very loving, giving and self-sacrificing person.  Her dad was like that and it seems to come naturally to her.  Those characteristics don’t come as naturally to me, and sometimes they drive me crazy.  Sometimes I can’t stand it when she puts others ahead of herself.  Sometimes it even angers me when she prefers what everyone else wants. 

Just the other day we were going to go to a restaurant with some friends, the Moss family.  I was meeting everyone so Shannon told me by phone that their young daughter, Chloe, wanted to go to a particular place.  In my mind I thought, well who cares what Chloe wants, I hate that place.  But in Shannon’s mind the decision had already been made.  Chloe wanted this place, so that’s where we were going.

Here is another example, last Christmas I couldn’t believe the amount of Christmas presents Shannon bought for other people.  This was driving me crazy and multiple levels, as you might imagine.  If Shannon was just like me, we would probably only give gifts to our kids and that’s about it.  My love language is acts of service, I’m ready to help you.  But don’t expect me to give you any presents.  But that’s Shannon making up for what I lack.  We should be giving lots of presents to people, there are lots of people who bless our lives and lots of teachers that influence our kids.  We should be generous with them.  Thank God I have a wife who thinks that way, because I don’t, or at least it doesn’t come naturally to me.

Between you and your spouse, with God’s help, you have every gift you need, every attribute you need, every characteristic you need.  Furthermore, you need to understand that your spouse has gifts and characteristics that you don’t have.  If you see your marriage as a partnership, as a team, you will start appreciating your differences.  It took me a long time to realize that.  I must appreciate Shannon’s differences, even when I don’t like them and even when they rub me the wrong way.  God said that I’m not good by myself.  But with my wife, I am good, or at least we have the potential together to be good.

Just as another example in this area, I remember one time asking God what should I be doing.  He said I was asking the wrong question.  I was supposed to ask, “what should we be doing.”  He meant that His plans for me were really more in the nature of plans for us, for me and my wife.  Or at least I needed to approach the question that way.

It’s great when you appreciate your spouse’s looks.  It’s also great when you appreciate your spouse’s personality and gifts.  But when you truly understand that your spouse is your life partner, that you are supposed to inherit God’s best alongside your spouse, and that together with your spouse you can do great things for the Kingdom of God because together you have all of the skills and gifts you will ever need for God’s plan for your life, that’s another level. 

Your marriage is not just about you and your interactions in this relationship with another person where you do life together and try to do your best.  Your marriage is about creating a unified existence on a physical and spiritual level with another person, where God will do more with your united existence than He would with either of you alone.

Your marriage is designed by God to be both a spiritual and physical union, and in that union God will bring blessings to your life and God will help you do all that He created you to do.  Don’t desire a good marriage just so that you can have some parts of your natural life a little better, desire a good marriage so that both you and your spouse can truly rise to your greatest potential existence and impact on the world.

The best sermon on marriage I have heard is called The Covenant Marriage by Jimmy Evans.  In that sermon Pastor Evans describes how the word “covenant” comes from the word “to cut.”  Your marriage, like your relationship with God, is based on a covenant.  Jesus was cut so that you could come into this covenant with God.  And your marriage is going to be a lifetime of sacrificial love (the cuts, if you will) where you sacrifice for your spouse.  That’s what God means in Ephesians 5 when He tells men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.    When you are willing to sacrifice for your spouse, in a truly Christ-like love, that opens the door for the amazing unity and spiritual relationship that God wants you to have. 

That sacrificial, agape love isn’t easy, at least not for me.  But according to Romans 5:5 the Holy Spirit has placed that love in your heart for others, and it’s time to start using it for your spouse.

If you are having problems in your marriage, God will help you.  Study the verses on marriage.  Do a Google search for verses to speak over your husband or your wife.  Stand in faith that God will help both of you come into a more perfect union to enjoy this life and do God’s will. 

What I’m talking about really is another level of commitment, another level of the marriage covenant.  Your marriage is an extremely important part of your life, your calling, your relationship with God, and your destiny.  You need to think in terms of “we” and not just “me”.  You need to truly incorporate this union even into your personal mental framework, your hopes, your dreams, your aspirations, even considering your spouse as you consider yourself.  Remember Ephesians 5:28, and this is really true for men and women, “Husbands out to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.”

Your marriage was designed by God to be good, good for you, good for your spouse, and good for the world.  You need each other.  With God’s help and influence, you can be perfectly matched, mentally, physically and spiritually.  You can accomplish great things together.  You will inherit the grace of life together.  Focus on these spiritual realities and God’s desires for your marriage, and you will have the marriage God intended.

My friends, thank you for listening to this message today.  If you enjoyed it please share it with friends.  Please subscribe to the podcast.  If you go on byronhowell.com you can subscribe to my mailing list where I always send out my blog and podcast links.  Thank you again, and I hope you have a great weekend.