How To Deal With Difficult People

Today I’m going to talk about dealing with difficult people, and let me start by making three points.  First, we all have to deal with difficult people.  Second, sometimes we are the difficult people that others must deal with.  Third, as Christians we are called to deal with other people on a higher level, if you will, and we must always keep that in mind.  I think if we can recognize those three truths, and start to live by them, it will greatly help us in our interactions with others.

Let me briefly tell you some of my personal history and why I think about this subject so much.  I dedicated my life to Christ after my second year of law school, and I was ready to quit law school and go full time in the ministry.  But as I prayed about it I really felt like God wanted me to finish law school, so that’s what I did.  I had no intention of practicing law.  My father had a small church back home, and I wanted to help him expand his ministry.  My father is also a real estate developer, so I figured that I would also work with him the family business, but mostly I wanted to do ministry. 

Well, I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but I went full time into the development business and didn’t do much in the ministry.  At that time, my dad was building a lot of small office buildings.  I didn’t have any construction experience, and he put me in charge of construction.  And anyone in that world can tell you, construction is a tough business filled with difficult people. 

God really helped me in that job, and a lot of good things happened, but it was tough.  I typically handled multiple disputes every day.  There were disputes with the subcontractors, disputes with our own employees, disputes with the customers, you name it.  In like 5 years the company built about 250 small office buildings, so that just gives you an idea of the volume and the pressure.  It was a lot. 

Then, in the great recession, my dad’s business went under.  My wife was pregnant with our first child, my dad paid for our cars and health insurance and everything else, because we both worked for him.  And almost overnight I had to start practicing law.  That’s why I never worked for a firm and just had to get going.

My first work was representing my dad against a bunch of banks who were trying to everything he had.  I had five minor siblings at that time and quite literally, these bankers and their lawyers would have taken the clothes off of his back.  They would have taken everything. 

And just so you know, I’m not exaggerating at all.  I could go on and on, and I am super jaded against banks and debt and all of that.  And here is a word to the wise.  Your banker, who acts like your best friend and will loan you money to do this and do that.  The moment you stop paying, to them you are persona non grata, you are a vile, loathsome, deadbeat piece of garbage, and they will sick the lawyers on you and take everything they can.  They would take the food out of your mouth, the crib your baby is sleeping in.  And that’s the truth.  I’ve personally been in those fights.  And I probably still need to forgive some of those people.

So I really went out of the frying pan and into the fire.  If dealing with people in construction work was hard, dealing with lawyers in litigation was a complete war against my soul.  Truthfully, all I wanted to do was love people and help people and talk about Jesus, and instead my life was a constant fight over money.

Now let’s fast forward 12 years.  I realized that I couldn’t do litigation, it was just too hard on me.  Fortunately, God brought me some clients who bought and sold apartment buildings, and that’s what I’ve done for about the last 10 years.  I am very close with my clients.  One of my clients sent me to Israel.  Another one, I officiated his wedding.  Two of them who are business partners have been with me to Haiti.  And the last client, and older gentleman, has known me since I was a child and we are close friends.  God has used these 5 men to tremendously bless my life.

But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy.  Buying and selling apartment buildings is big business.  My primary client, to put it in perspective, was the largest buyer and the largest seller of apartment buildings in Atlanta in 2019.  He may have that title for other years, but that’s the year I have the official statistics for.  I have overseen multiple billions of dollars in real estate deals.  Strangely enough, I’m doing that from my house, in my pajamas or in my gym clothes.  I never go anywhere for work.  I just sit here and oversee these deals.  But while I might have the least sophisticated law firm in the history of big real estate, the lawyers on the other side are often the opposite.

Especially on big deals, we are dealing with the nation’s big firms.  Even on small deals, the lenders are all represented by big prestigious firms.  You wouldn’t believe some of the legal bills I have seen from some of these firms.  And my point is, dealing with big money lawyers is an entirely experience of dealing with difficult people.

So I’m sorry for my lengthy work history, but suffice it to say that I have significant personal experience in dealing with difficult people.  That doesn’t mean that everyone is difficult.  I’ve worked with lots of people who are great.  I’ve worked with people on very complex matters and deals that take months to get through.  Like you, I’ve had all sorts of good experiences with other people, even some tough people.

But, of course, I’m still not perfect at dealing with difficult people.  If you heard my last podcast and about my interaction with the cyclist, you would agree.  While we all deal with difficult people at work, we know that many times we deal with difficult people outside of work and in the random areas of our lives. 

So how can we do better?  How can I correctly deal with even the most difficult people?  How can I move out of the struggle and into a place where it’s in my nature to correctly deal with everyone?

Sure, I could spend a few minutes talking about how you must love your neighbor and the fruits of the Spirit and all of that, but you can hear that elsewhere.  Chances are, if you are listening to this, you don’t need to hear that from me.  You’ve heard all that before.  Let’s charge on to the deeper truths and a perspective from the spiritual realm.  And please give me some patience, as this might be difficult to articulate.

The correct way to deal with everyone is to first disregard your natural existence and the all-consuming importance of your daily life and your personal comfort.  Rather, you must fully embrace your spiritual reality and your spiritual job on this earth, your position in the Kingdom of Heaven.  Now, you can correctly deal with everyone.

You are a son or daughter of the Most-High God.  You are literally united with God in your spirit.  You are a soldier for the Kingdom of Heaven.  While you may live 120 years in this natural life, you know that you have an eternity in a paradise that your mind can’t even fathom.  Our lives are but a breadth, a whisper in an eternity that is a consuming joy and is literally free from tears, from pain, and from hardship. 

This is who you are, this is your reality.  And, in this period of time where you live before your eternity of joy and comfort, you have a job.  Now, we could describe this job a few different ways, but let’s try to sum it up clearly.  Your job could be described as to exist in such a way that you have the maximum possible impact on others for the Kingdom of God.

To put it another way, you should identify yourself as an ambassador for Jesus Christ every moment, of every day, in every interaction, with everyone.  And yes, even as I write those words, and I know they are true, I feel the pain of falling short, but let’s keep going.

We are the salt of the earth and light of the world (Matthew 5:13 and 14).  We are not our own (1 Corinthians 6:19).  It is no longer we that live but Christ that lives in us (Galatians 2:20).  We are ambassadors for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20).  We must daily deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23). 

We must embrace our new reality in Christ, our new identity in Christ, and we must allow our new identify to inform every aspect of our lives, every choice we make, and every interaction we have.

Consider for a moment how God sees the various people you deal with.  I’m not saying that’s exactly how you should see them, but I am saying that you should keep His perspective in mind. 

If that person is a born-again Christian, then you are dealing with God’s son or daughter, and your brother or sister.  Even if they are terrible to deal with, you should treat them correctly.  God loves them, and you should love them too.  In fact, your entire interaction with them should be informed with this understanding.  Consider 1 Timothy 5:1-2, we are to treat our fellow Christians as our family members.  Family members aren’t always easy to get along with, but we should show them love and remember our family relationship.

If the person you are dealing with is not born-again, you must still consider God’s love for that person.  God loves him or her so much that He sent His Son to die for that person.  Even if this terrible person was the only person to ever accept Christ, God would have sent Jesus just for them.  God has an awesome plan for this person’s life.  In fact, this person is called to be an absolute champion for Jesus and the Kingdom of God (we all are).  You might be talking to the next Billy Graham or Joyce Meyer!

Now remember, and I think this is super interesting, important and helpful, there are actually two levels to this analysis of how we should deal with people. 

Let’s refer to the basic emotional and logical level as the natural level.  I should deal with everyone in a kind and loving manner.  I should always be helpful and gentle, peaceful and patient.  I know that God loves everyone, that Jesus died for everyone, so I am going to treat everyone accordingly.  I realize there is a lot of spirituality in those statements, but it’s still pretty basic, or at least it should be.

But what about the higher level, the more spiritual level.  I must remember my job here.  Sure, my job is to love God and love everyone and generally do the best I can.  But isn’t there more to it?  Isn’t my job also to help everyone rise to the heights of their true potential with God?  In fact, while every interaction is an opportunity to show God’s love, or at least be a decent person, any interaction may also be an opportunity to help the other person grow in their relationship with God and spiritual maturity.

How can I encourage this person?  How can I exhort this person?  Can I recommend the right book or the right sermon?  Should I invite this person to church or recommend a church in their area? 

What about the spiritual gifts?  Is it possible that God has a word of wisdom or word of knowledge for the jerk you are dealing with right now?  What about a prophesy or a true spiritual interaction of some kind, maybe even a healing miracle?  What does God, who loves the difficult person you are dealing with more than you can fathom, want you to minister to this person?

Aren’t we the enlightened ones?  Aren’t we the mature ones?  Great.  We should be ready at all times.  We should be treating people correctly at all times.  As Joyce Meyer once said, you need to have a personality that God can use at all times.

Now let’s really go crazy here.  What if I am extra nice to the people who are the biggest jerks?  What if I am so spiritually mature that no matter what another person does to me it doesn’t throw me off my game.  In fact, it doesn’t matter how you treat me, I’m still going to shine the light of God’s love towards you and everyone else in my life.  What if I give the biggest tip to the worst waiter?  What if I am the kindest and the most helpful with the most painful lawyers I deal with?

Now, as I am truly dealing with people like Christ, as I am truly loving people with God’s love even when it’s hard, how can the Spirit of God work through me?  How is the Spirit of God going to move in this interaction to bless everyone involved.

Imagine for a moment that this is your constant position with everyone you encounter.  What if you are literally immovable in your love walk?  What if you bear the fruits of the Spirit even with the most difficult people?  What if God’s Spirit starts regularly working through you to bless and encourage others.

What if, after you started living this way, you were really good at dealing with everyone, on every level, and the Spiritual Gifts are working in your life.  You are regularly blessing and encouraging people on the highest levels.  People are leaving your interactions feeling absolutely blessed by God.  Wouldn’t that be amazing?

I can’t say most people leave interactions with me feeling that way, at least not at work.  Maybe this is why I don’t see more of the Spiritual Gifts in my life.  Anyway, I digress.

So imagine you are living that way, what an adventure that would be!  Every interaction is now an opportunity to see the supernatural.  Every interaction is now an opportunity for God to touch someone through your life.  Every interaction is now an opportunity for you to help someone grow in their Christian life.  My friends, our lives are meant to be an adventure with God.  Even the mundane aspects of life, getting gas, the grocery store, basic work tasks, any of them can become a Holy Ghost moment, a miraculous encounter, at any time, when we are treating people correctly. 

Brothers and sisters, we need to be mastering the first, natural level of our interactions, so that we are open to the second, the higher, the more spiritual level of our interactions.  I need to be showing love to everyone I deal with, even through gritted teeth if needed.  I need to be loving and gentle and merciful, even if I’m dealing with the worst drivers or most difficult lawyers.  I must be constantly in tune with the love of God and thoughts of God towards the people around me. 

If we can commit to this Christ-like love, this Godly treatment of others, independent of how they treat us, then we can truly shine as God wants us to in the world, literally shining with the glory of Him and His love.  You can’t change the world for everyone, no one can, and no one will, God doesn’t work like that. But you can change the world for the people in your world. 

You can help people grow and shine and mature and rise, in fact, that’s your job.  You are a child of God, and it’s your job to bring others into the family and to help all of your brothers and sisters along the way.  So take up this mantle, this aspect of the Cross now, and happily bare the discomforts and grimaces that this Christ-like love for others inevitably entails.  As you show others God’s love, God’s going to show up in your interactions with others.